Why You Keep Falling for Emotionally Unavailable People (And How to Stop)
A practical guide to attachment, emotional safety, and choosing better relationships
Have you ever found yourself drawn to someone who seems exciting at first—but leaves you constantly questioning your worth, rereading texts, or second-guessing if you're “too much”? You might know, logically, that this dynamic is unhealthy… and yet, you stay. You hope. You try harder.
You're not alone.
This isn't just about romance. It's about patterns—how we’re wired to seek what’s familiar, even if it hurts. Understanding why we’re attracted to emotionally unavailable or manipulative people is the first step in learning how to make different, more aligned choices moving forward.
Why We’re Drawn to Emotional Unavailability
Emotionally unavailable people often exude confidence, mystery, and a sense of emotional “coolness.” They can be charming and magnetic at first. But when intimacy deepens, they withdraw, deflect, or shut down.
If you grew up in an environment where love was conditional, inconsistent, or unsafe, your nervous system may have adapted to chase after closeness that’s always just out of reach. In these dynamics, anxiety feels like chemistry. The uncertainty becomes addictive.
This isn’t about being broken. It’s about being patterned—and patterns can be changed.
Breaking Down Buzzwords
Before we dive into what to look for in healthy relationships, let’s clarify some of the pop psychology terms that get tossed around a lot:
Love-bombing:
An intense burst of affection, compliments, or grand gestures early in a relationship. While it might feel romantic, it’s often used to quickly create emotional dependency or fast-track intimacy before trust has had time to build.
Watch for: Big declarations in the first week, constant texting/calling, talking about forever early on, over-the-top gifts. This isn’t always a red flag, but when it is followed by avoidance, no longer seeming as interested, or mistreatment- that definitely is.
Gaslighting:
When someone denies your reality, downplays your emotions, or twists facts to make you question your memory, feelings, or sanity. It shifts the blame and makes you feel 100% responsible.
Watch for: “That never happened,” “You’re too sensitive,” “You’re imagining things”, “You’re being crazy”, “I haven’t fought like this in other relationships”
Narcissistic tendencies:
Not everyone who is selfish or dismissive is a narcissist—but patterns like entitlement, lack of empathy, and control-seeking behavior can point to narcissistic traits.
Watch for: Always shifting blame, rarely apologizing, dominating conversations, using others to regulate their own self-worth.
Nervous System Responses People Often Shame Themselves For
If you’ve ever left a conversation or relationship wondering, “Why didn’t I stand up for myself?” or “Why do I keep losing myself in relationships?”—this is for you.
These are adaptive survival responses, not personality flaws. They are ways your body and brain have learned to protect you from danger—especially emotional harm.
Fawn Response:
The instinct to appease, please, or avoid conflict at all costs. You may become overly accommodating, abandon your own needs, or feel panic at the thought of upsetting the other person.
Common signs: Over-apologizing, shrinking yourself, working hard to “earn” love, difficulty saying no.
Freeze Response:
Shutting down emotionally or physically in moments of overwhelm. You may feel paralyzed, numb, foggy, or disconnected from your body.
Common signs: Going quiet during arguments, feeling stuck and unable to leave, dissociating during emotional conflict.
Cameleoning:
Shifting your personality, tone, or values to match what others want you to be—either to avoid rejection, gain approval, or maintain connection. This isn’t just about mirroring people; it’s about becoming whoever you think they need you to be in order to be safe or loved.
Common signs: Losing touch with your own preferences, forgetting what you wanted, silencing opinions, or changing roles depending on the room.
Over-explaining & Rationalizing:
Trying to justify every boundary, emotion, or request in an effort to avoid being misunderstood, rejected, or punished.
Common signs: Writing long messages explaining simple needs, replaying conversations in your head, or constantly trying to “make them understand.”
Self-abandonment:
Ignoring your gut feelings, downplaying discomfort, or staying silent to avoid rocking the boat.
Common signs: Feeling empty after interactions, dismissing red flags, or convincing yourself it’s not a big deal.
These survival strategies aren’t your fault, but they can disconnect you from your intuition, anger, and self-advocacy. When you’re stuck in survival mode, it becomes harder to notice when you’re uncomfortable, to name what’s not working, or to believe you’re allowed to want something different.
Healing means learning to pause and ask: What do I actually feel? What do I want? What’s true for me—beneath the pattern?
A Guide to Red, Yellow, and Green Flags
Let’s reframe how we evaluate people we’re dating. Instead of just looking for red flags, we need to actively seek green flags—the qualities that build healthy, connected relationships.
RED FLAGS (STOP)
These are signs of manipulation, emotional unavailability, or harm.
Name-calling, mocking, or putting you down during conflict
Inconsistent communication or disappearing without explanation
Blames you for “making them angry” when you set boundaries
Refuses to talk about feelings or shuts you down for having them
Rewrites reality or denies things they’ve said or done
Isolates you from friends/family or subtly discourages outside support- this can look like jealousy, suggesting you move in, wanting you to spend all your time with them, etc
YELLOW FLAGS (SLOW DOWN, GET CURIOUS)
Not immediate dealbreakers, but signs to pause and explore further.
Says they “aren’t good at relationships” but does little to improve
Dismisses your emotions as drama or overreactions
Getting upset with you for expectations they never expressed
Has a pattern of short, intense relationships or “bad exes”- spoiler alert usually if they are calling all of their exes crazy, bitches/assholes…they might be the problem
Struggles with emotional regulation or conflict resolution
Always busy or emotionally unavailable, even if kind in other ways
What to do: Ask clarifying questions. Name what you’re noticing. See if they’re willing to reflect, take ownership, and do the work.
GREEN FLAGS (GO, WITH INTENTION)
These are signs someone may be emotionally safe, available, and kind.
Follows through on promises and shows up when they say they will
Can sit with discomfort or disagreement without punishing you
Apologizes sincerely and takes responsibility for their part
Encourages your independence and friendships
Emotionally consistent—what you see is what you get
Makes you feel calmer and more grounded, not constantly anxious
They might even be “cheesy” or “cringey” because they make their feelings for you known
People aren’t perfect. They might not be the best communicator or great at handling the hard conversations that come with big feelings…they might even get defensive or run away sometimes, but there is no doubt they care for you and are willing to work on improving.
What To Do When You’re Already in the Relationship
If you’re realizing you’re in a dynamic with emotional unavailability or manipulation, you don’t need to panic. But you do need to pay attention.
Steps to Take:
Name the Pattern (to yourself): “I notice that I’m often the one initiating, apologizing, or regulating.”
Check Your Nervous System: Do you feel safe, regulated, and seen with this person—or anxious and unsure most of the time?
Communicate Clearly: “When I open up and you change the subject or shut down, I feel dismissed. I need someone who can stay present with me.”
Set Boundaries and Observe: Healthy people respect boundaries. If someone responds with anger, guilt trips, or withdrawal when you ask for space or emotional safety, that’s data.
Seek Support: Therapy, trusted friends, or even journaling can help you clarify what’s real—and what you’re tolerating out of fear or habit.
Why Leaving Can Feel Impossible
Let’s be honest: walking away from someone emotionally unavailable or manipulative can feel harder than staying. Why?
You fear being alone more than being mistreated
You were conditioned to believe love is earned through effort or pain
You’re clinging to their potential instead of facing their reality
You feel responsible for making it work
And the part of you that believes “maybe if I try harder, they’ll finally see my worth” isn’t pathetic—it’s protective. It learned that love was something to earn, not receive freely.
But here’s the reality: staying in a relationship that constantly asks you to shrink, silence yourself, or prove your worth will never lead to peace. There is nothing romantic about begging someone to love you.
Leaving isn’t giving up. It’s acknowledging: This is not enough, and I’m no longer available for connections that hurt more than they heal.
And while that sounds straight forward it isn’t. It is so emotionally hard to leave toxic relationships especially when there are other factors like finances, friends, or children involved. If I could offer one therapist tip it would be this: lean into your support system. Spend more time with friends, find ways to engage with community, maybe even call the domestic violence shelter (even if you feel like your situation isn’t abusive) they will understand- probably better than most- and be able to connect you to resources.
Final Thoughts
Emotionally unavailable partners often draw in the most emotionally generous people. But over-functioning for someone who under-functions in relationships is not a love story—it’s a trauma loop.
You’re not too much. You’re not unlovable. And this isn’t the best you can get.
What is possible: partnerships built on reciprocity, trust, and emotional honesty. The kind where you don’t have to chase, decode, or beg to be seen.
If you’ve never had that before, it might feel unfamiliar—but unfamiliar isn’t bad. It’s just new. And it’s worth waiting—and working—for.
“We accept the love we think we deserve.” Would you be okay if it was your friend, or daughter, or son in this relationship. If not, why is it okay for you?
I will be writing a blog on self-esteem and trauma soon, so stay tuned!